Life Without Limits

"The fears we don't face become our limits."

-Unknown

This took me SO long to write. For this post, I wrote about something that is a very new realization and I am still very much so going through it. So, every time I thought that it was good enough to post, I would have a change of heart and change the whole thing. It was a vicious cycle lol. However, I feel really confident about it now and I think I perfected it. I hope you like it! Oh! By the way, this picture is from a recent friend trip I went on. It will make sense why I used this picture after you read the post. :)

Fears. We perceive them as a burden but deep down, I believe they can be a means of comfort to our subconscious. Lol that sounds dark, let me explain. Who would you be if you overcame your fears? Sounds like a loaded question, but think about what it would be like to reach your full potential, fulfill your god given essence, and to be set free from your fears and internal demons. This sounds great on paper, I’m sure. When that little dark voice somewhere inside you subsides, would it bring you a sense of freedom or a sense of unease from the unfamiliarity? What would life be like without that voice in the back of your head always screaming, “That’s too scary, stay where you are.”? A big word that swirls around in society today is anxiety. The dictionary definition of the word is literally, “Fear of the unknown.” Essentially, when we face our fears we are giving into the unknown. That is exactly why we are scared to face our fears: humans love predictability. In hindsight, of course we are scared of the situation, the thing or the circumstance itself, but sometimes maybe we are actually fearing fear itself. We grow accustom and adapt to “our” normal. So, if having the same fears and anxieties is “your” normal, would you feel lost or “not normal” without encompassing them? I have thought about this for awhile because recently, I forced myself to overcome a lot of my fears and the first thing I said to myself was, “It is so foreign to live without my fears hovering over me, that I think I am actually going to need time to get used to this.” The things we are used to, bring us comfort because well, we are creatures of habit and familiarity and this sure as hell is not familiar.

I actually really hate talking about this for some reason, it is probably the one thing I am not very honest with myself and or others about. But, it's kind of my thing now to just let everyone in on everything because well, why the hell not? So, I have always had separation anxiety from just about every big piece of comfort in my life. For reference, not for pity, I can remember all the way back at age 3 being on family vacations just shaking, crying and throwing up and not having a clue as to why or what was going on. For whatever reason, this intense sense of attachment to my comfort zone whether that is my family or my home, has always just been there, inflicting panic attacks every time I encountered some type of trigger. For a short period of time in my life, I thought I was out growing this anxiety until a few situations smacked me right in the face and showed me that it was very much so apparent and hovering over my consciousness. In fact, all of these “tests” to see if my anxiety was still there happened just two years ago one after another. So, I became very good at avoiding and only doing things that wouldn’t put me at risk of panic because anyone who has ever had a panic attack knows they are not exactly fun. So, I ditched moving out and multiple friend trips because I fully convinced myself that I was not interested in doing either of those things when in reality, I dreamt of a life without limitations. I wasn't afraid of the responsibility that came along with either of my fears, in fact I love responsibility, I was literally just too anchored to my comfort zone. However, deep down, somewhere in my small body I knew that I actually did want to pursue those things, but I viewed them as a far-fetched reality that would always be out of my reach. Don’t get me wrong I was a happy person, I really don’t think I would’ve cared not moving or skipping a few trips, but it’s still nice to feel as if you don’t need to have limitations on your life ya know? Something along the lines of, “Eh that’s not really my thing but I’ll give it a try!” is the mindset that I one day decided I wanted to adopt instead of, “You can stop thinking about that because it’s not even an option.” So, I did. About two months ago, I moved into a spare room my friend had at her house right by my college campus, and I’ve also been on quite a few trips lately. I have taken on these “fears” of mine with such a different mindset than the one I’ve had my whole life and it has honestly changed my life for the better. (with the help of counseling) At the same time, it truly takes some getting used to, that voice in your head that’s always talking to you being hardly apparent anymore. It is definitely foreign. Don’t get me wrong, I still have anxiety, but I just learned how to manage it. When I was facing these fears and changes, it was almost as if my anxiety hardly crept up on me, like I suddenly felt a sense of ease when I realized all of my nerves stemmed from the sole idea of not just a physical change, but a mental one as well. Essentially, I was only afraid of fear itself. I am very thankful that I got ahold of myself and jumped into something I knew would scare me because I avoided my fears for so long. I no longer wanted to feel as if certain things in this world were not in my reach, I wanted everything to at least be an option for once and for the FIRST time in my life I genuinely feel like I have the strength to pursue so many things I never in a million years thought I could. Changing my mindset and finally just asking for help is what led me here, to my life without limits.

So, today, where do I stand as far as this whole facing my fears thing? I am realizing that facing your fears is a great thing to do, but the outcome of that change isn’t always your destiny. For example, maybe your fear is flying. So, you go on a trip and everyone tells you, “Oh my gosh aren’t you so glad that you did it?” In reality, you might be proud of yourself for facing it, but it does not always mean that you’re going to want to continue to fly. I hope that makes sense. It might just remind you even more that you’re content without that in your life, but you’re so glad that you tried it. Essentially, sometimes, after facing fears the main gain is a new sense of emotional and mental strength. For years, I have beat myself up every single day of my existence about feeling inadequate to others for not living on my own and not having the desire to travel the world or just travel at all for that matter and getting stuck consistently comparing myself to others. Sounds silly, but I just couldn't seem to ever let it go. Ironically, for the last two weeks my anxiety is slowly but surely creeping up on me, but it’s not a big deal because like I said, I can manage it fairly well these days. However, sometimes it is incredibly healing to just let yourself “feel all the feels” without trying to control or manage it. Definitely not all the time, but sometimes. It rushed over me more than usual the other day so, I got in my car and drove to my parents house and while I was driving I was letting my mind wander and spiral a million different ways. Mainly, just thinking about how for the last two years of my life I beat myself up every single day for feeling "inadequate" to others. Remembering how I would sit every day and beat myself up mentally and emotionally because I was scared and uninterested in doing what everyone else was doing. It was probably some what similar to remembering a dark past from a bad relationship. Except, I was not a slave to another human, I was a slave to my own emotional destruction. During this impulsive late night drive, I started to cry, there was something about the memory of my old toxic mindset creeping back up on me and reminding me how capable I am of breaking my own heart that sparked an immediate overflow of emotions. It brought me back to the memory of the old thought patterns I would drown in and reminded me of the old story I would tell myself. This story was fake news, fictional, and not an accurate depiction of myself. I can't believe I beat myself up over doing what was best for me during that season of my life because I hadn't combatted my mental struggles yet. I really just wish I gave myself some grace because sometimes we have to deal with ourselves before we can take on anything else. I started counseling a few months ago, before that, I was simply not mentally strong enough to face my fears. During that period of time before counseling, I wish that I recognized that it’s ok to not be on the same wave length as everyone else, because everyone has their own unique battles and I hadn't started to fight my own battle yet because quite frankly, I did not know where exactly to start. My battlefield was empty without a single soldier on the floor. I look back now and realize that I was doing what was best for me during that time, if I tried to just throw myself into uncomfortable situations back then, it would have been awful because I was not emotionally aware enough to handle the anxiety that came along with facing those fears. If I could go back and talk to that girl, I would. I would give her a hug and tell her that where she was, was ok, and that I needed to start showing myself some compassion because never in a million years would I be treating a friend or my mother how I was treating myself. As of right now, I am very glad that I have this brand new hold on myself that allowed me to face my fears, but most importantly it helped me learn more about who I am. Since I gained this new strength, it has really helped me clear the fog that my toxic mindset created. I am someone who might not want to travel the world or move around a bunch, but I am someone who has found enough faith in herself to know that the decisions that I make in the future will not be made out of fear like they used to be, but they will be made out of knowing what is best for me for that season of my life. This whole experience was full of overcoming fears, but as I write this I am realizing that the main missing piece of my puzzle was my lack of self-awareness and self-acceptance. It is almost as if those two variables can open up the doors to so many answers in this life. Ever since this realization, my conscious being is no longer an emotional punching bag for my anxiety’s identity to attack. I speak about my anxiety and myself as if they are two different people because my anxiety literally has a mind of its own that does not define me anymore. My anxiety is more like a shitty ex-boyfriend that I had to dump but still tries to creep around when he sees that I'm doing good. He can say hey, but you know I'm going to shut that shit down real quick. Lol, I am sorry for that millennial ass reference. Anyways, basically, facing your fears might just help you realize that you are stronger now and you can live your life without limits, but it might also make you realize that being who you are, regardless of what others are doing, is the most important thing. You have to be you, you have to find yourself in the darkest of places and remember that you write your own story. That sounds cheesy but pay attention to what you tell yourself because I guarantee that you tell yourself a lot of junk that needs to be thrown out. Let me tell you, I am so glad that I do not have to live my life with as many limits anymore (well maybe a few), but I am even more glad that I can now be more content with who I am because thank god, I am finally understanding and accepting that who I am is not someone I ever need to be ashamed of. All in all, this whole experience has cleared up all the fog and haziness from my perception of myself. During my last counseling appointment my counselor said to me, "It is amazing to me how much you have changed since I met you. Your vision and perception of yourself is so much more clear. It is very rare that someone can see themselves through the eyes of others, but I think you are finally recognizing your strength." In my twenty years of life that is probably the most powerful thing anyone has ever said to me. So, on that note, my fears are no longer fears, they are simply things that I know I can do, but eh I will do them if it feels right for me and this is a state of mind I am glad took place of the emotional turmoil of my juvenile, whirlwind brain. All of this is is not signifying that I am perfect, I am still a human just like you. I still clearly have my days where I go on impulsive drives and cry it out. Anyways, like I said, my old mindset is basically like an ex-boyfriend, except I broke my own heart. I had to go through the pain and confusion, but once I hit home stretch, the light was definitely waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.

I know that my fears are not going to be the same as everyone else's. In fact, mine probably seem super strange. However, I hope me sharing this small piece of my journey that is definitely not over, can communicate to you that facing your fears is great and you should do it, but do it when it feels right to you. Don't let the crazy rush of life dawn on you like I did. However, when you are ready it might open a door to a whole new you or clear up the fog that was in the way of you being able to decipher between "fears" and doing what is best for you and only you. After all, self-love is journey not a destination. Lastly, thank you to every single one of you who has kept up with my journey and gone along for the ride, my gratitude is always endless.