Communication is Everything

   "Communicate. Even when it's uncomfortable or uneasy. One of the best ways to heal, is simply getting everything out." 

- Unknown 

     The number one thing that is a big fear of mine is to inflict any sort of negativity upon someone's life. I will lose sleep if I know I have personally effected someone that I genuinely care about in a negative way. However, just recently while i was in the midst of creating my blog I had this ground breaking moment. I was in one of my counseling appointments sharing with my counselor that I was nervous to post this whole entire blog. In fact, I almost didn't. I was so scared that certain people would get their hands on it and get the wrong impression. I told her, "I could never live with myself if I ever hurt someone, even if they have hurt me tremendously. I think that would hurt me more than it would hurt them." Of course I have absolutely nothing in this blog that would ever have intent to hurt someone, but I was still nervous that someone might take my words the wrong way. She said to me, "Jordan your honest feelings are not malicious, your honest feelings are valid and you are not responsible for how people react to your feelings." That's when it all clicked. My feelings and open communication are not to be looked at as negative because I truly am not responsible for how others interpret my feelings. I AM, however, responsible for creating healthy relationships for myself. As long as what you're expressing is not malicious and it is blunt honesty, it truly is not your responsibility how other people will perceive it. In the end, honesty will set you free and sugar coating or beating around the bush will hold you, as well as others back. So here we are, you're reading my blog aren't you? I am really thankful for those words because I reflect back on them constantly. That has been the most eye opening sentence in my short nineteen years of life thus far. Therefore, I am realizing now the importance behind communicating even if it is not always easy or fun. I would always just not want to communicate because I feared that those mature conversations that come with effective communication were burdening so, I just tried to avoid them. I can see how flawed my communication skills were in my past. I now have to release the fear of honest and open communication in order to stop viewing it as a burden, feel as if I am asking for too much or that I am hurting someones feelings. 

    Considering that I am a communications major, you would think that I would be an excellent communicator! Ohhhhh boy is that wrong!! I was the the worst. The thing is, I know exactly how to be an effective communicator. I mean, I do study communications all day long! However, that did not shine through in my past relationships at all. I am a woman who is very aware of her feelings and not one to hide them. For whatever reason, I conceal a lot of my feelings when it comes to dating. Most of the blame of my lack of being able to communicate stems from my own insecurities. I hate confrontation. I hate giving people trouble. I hate burdening others. Therefore, I always wanted to be a perfect little girlfriend that wasn't overly emotional, psycho, needy or any of the other stereotypes that a lot of women get. So, I chose to brush a lot of things off. I am the champion of "picking my battles." Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I was some ticking time bomb that constantly had all of these feelings that I was concealing. I definitely confronted things when I absolutely had to. I was fairly happy for the majority of it! When I did have something on my chest, it was either I left it alone or if I could gather enough courage to actually say something, I would be on the verge of a panic attack. I hated communicating about my feelings because I always deemed it to be negative. I feared that it made me look needy and did not feel like my feelings were all that important. I just did not want to be another stereotype so, I figured the easiest thing to do would be to convince myself I was unbothered. Most of my lack of communication overall stemmed from me being insecure and scared of what the outcome could be if I did find a flaw somewhere in my relationships. This doesn't only happen when I am dating someone, this happens even if I am just involved with a man at all. My lack of communication would actually lead a lot of guys to just see me as uninterested. I am not sure why I am somewhat of a stone wall when it comes to men because that is clearly not who I truly am. I KNOW I have to change my timid tactics in order to fully invest myself into future relationships. I have to just be myself and stop fearing that I am going to be a "stereotype" because honestly, who cares?? It is more damaging to try to be someone I'm not.

      I hope that, just by reading a piece of my story, you are going to be able to see that a lack of communication in relationships is essentially setting it up for failure. I have learned the importance behind the truth that two people can be in a relationship, but they can see it in two completely different ways. This will only lead to chaos. My juvenile tactic of minimal  communication was the tone I set for a relationship when I was young. As I grew up I could see how stuck I was in the tone I had set. I wanted to be in a mature relationship that was going to go somewhere, but I didn't know how to express that considering I never had before. I am in the stage right now where I just want to say "f*** it!" If someone walks into my life, I want to throw my timid and childish way of trying to be "perfect" so far away from me and hope to god another young girl doesn't catch them. I have to grow some balls and lay down the damn ass law to promote open, honest, and mature communication. I firmly believe that we have to set the tone of what we want for our relationship from the very beginning. In order to be in a relationship, I think you have to feel safe inside of it. I mean safe as in knowing that you could overcome obstacles together and not break up through the smallest rough patch. In other words, feeling safe enough to communicate anything and everything. I am not sure that I have ever felt that safety. Being able to fully disclose each other's feelings will allow you to create an understanding for one another and be able to fuse together in order to create compatibility. Doing so would lead to reassurance, reassurance is so simple but I really believe it is the key to a healthy relationship. No matter if your honest communication is not always easy or fun, it is important to do it because holding things in will lead to problems down the road. Being able to openly communicate is also a sign of comfort inside of your relationship. Feeling comfortable enough to tell each other everything is important. Communication leads to validation regardless of the occasional arguments. The disagreements or flaws that you may face will be easy to express because you care about each other authentically. Fear should not be a part of your relationship. Honesty, safety and comfort should outshine the word fear.

    Communication can also be entirely positive. Communicating things like how much someone is appreciated or loved is essential in a romantic relationship. Reassurance and validation will continue to allow your relationship to progress and understand that the person you're with sees the value in you. Often, in relationships we get so comfortable with who we are with that we forget to give our partners this type of validation. As humans we strive for certainty and significance in relationships, in which strong communication is to feel like a priority and whether someone wants to communicate that through actions or words it will bring us comfort. I'm sure most people can relate to that. I think communication is far more than just speaking. Effective communication can be portrayed through intimacy, actions, and words. Another important part of this idea of positive communication is that we must learn to listen to understand, and not just listen to respond. Everyone has different ways of communicating which is another reason why it is so important to let one another know. Find out an effective way to communicate that makes sense to you and your partner. 

        I just want to clarify that I am NOT telling you to act on every single emotion you have. For me, I think picking your battles is a wise thing to do. By picking your battles I mean that if something comes up that kind of gets under your skin but you can realize that the confrontation might not be worth it. It is ok to brush certain things off sometimes. I don't think that we have to talk about every little thing that bugs us because I think too much communication can be overbearing. Choose when you feel as if it is an appropriate time to consult with whoever you are with. It is honestly a good feeling to not react to every little thing, I deem it to be healthy to mainly react when it feels entirely necessary. Bottom line, is just communicate with who you are dating because unfortunately they can't read your mind (I wish they could though). We have to express how we feel in every way whether it be positive or negative. As humans we want to feel appreciated, valued, loved, significant, and comfortable in a relationship. All of those things can be assured through something as simple as communication. In your relationship allow yourself and your partner to openly consult with each other whether it be positive or negative and reach an understanding for one another. Communication is key and the basis to a healthy relationship. At the end of the day, it is amazing to be loved but it is profound to be understood. “Your relationship should be your place of peace. It should be the place where all armor comes off, egos are humbled and transparency reigns supreme."