Heartbreak

“Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

Heartbreak is a very loaded word. Immediately, we think about break ups when we think of heartbreak. However, I think heartbreak is all around us in various forms. When we lose absolutely anything that means the most to us it always inflicts deep and heavy grief. Of course for this segment I will be talking about the most basic type of heartbreak in which is the infamous subject of breakups. I will say that I am going to give you the best advice that I possibly can but I will admit that like most, I have a hard time always taking my own advice. Just thought I would clarify that because we all sometimes have a hard time with the whole "practice what you preach" thing. However, I am not perfect but I do notice the positive impacts that come to play when I do take my own advice. So, that is what I am going to try to give to you but do not beat yourself up if you also struggle to lean on positive advice in the times of your mourning. Heartbreak is definitely a weird process and it is absolutely OK to cope however you need to. Everyones relationships are unique, everyones love style is unique, and absolutely everything about us as individuals is unique. The only thing I do know is that heartbreak always inflicts pain. What I have decided to do is fully disclose what my mind and heart look like in the midst of heartbreak. In the future I really encourage you out of all my segments, to please send me questions, tell me your story or ask for advice about the type of heartbreak you are specifically feeling. (I really love to help people with this). For now, I will just share mine with you. Yes, I am going to let you in on my personal heartbreak but this does not mean that I am going to give much insight inside of my past relationships out of respect for them and my own privacy. Just know that anyone who I have dated is an absolute blessing in my eyes. This is in NO WAY to try to shine a negative light on them, this will be written with a heart full of gratitude. I genuinely know that the people I have dated are amazing people and I could never undermine that. Heartbreak is just a part of life and I am so thankful for my past relationships. Anyways, just know that I am 100% a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve. Therefore, when I go through a heartbreak I fully allow myself to just embrace every emotion and feeling that comes my way. Through allowing myself to fully grieve and having gone through this pain a couple of times I have really been able to self reflect, grow and be aware of the best ways to cope. With that, here is a look into the scars on my heart and how I make it through.

Let's start off with my first heartbreak. The first time my heart was broken was a weird almost foreign feeling. I wish someone would have warned me about this because I was SO blindsided. Why do I wake up everyday with a pain in my chest? Why do I feel so lifeless? My friends and I were just talking about how your first heartbreak can definitely cut the deepest. Like I said, this roller coaster of emotions is just so foreign and you are just completely at a loss of understanding. I often found myself driving around with no destination and the music blaring so loud that I knew my speakers could blow at any moment. But I didn't care. I didn't care that the cars around me were staring at me like a crazy person because I would be sitting at a stop light with tears falling down my face as I was yelling at a person who was nowhere to be found. I didn't care about anything in these moments because all I could think about was the ache throughout my whole entire being. I just didn't care. When your heart is broken it is easy to feel like you are literally losing your mind. You do not even slightly care about your surroundings or your actions because your feet are cemented down into this intense pain. It almost feels like a part of you got ripped away and you are at a loss for trying to figure out how the hell to walk through life with a whole entire piece of you being absent. It is just you now. The fire inside of you that was once burning so bright is now completely burnt out and it seems a bit colder than usual. It is such a cutting feeling when your love was just in the palm of your hand and you can't seem to bare the fact that it is miles and miles away now. It does not seem like it is actually possible for you and that person to not be together when you are in that insanely passionate stage of being in love. For whatever reason, when it subsides you reflect back and remember what it was like to have their hand in yours and the warmth of the sun rushing over you when you looked at them when they weren't looking. Some how this person who has made you feel so warm has suddenly turned you so unbearably cold. HOW is this possible? I have no idea but damn is it a feeling that I cannot describe. Heartbreak is so beyond powerful and of the biggest strain on your heart strings. There are so many curable things in this world, however there is no procedure or prescription that will mend your broken heart. Maybe my crazy aimless driving is my prescription drug. Anyways, the first time my heart was broken I truly did not know what to do. So, I turned to the basic things people do when trying to get through it. I spent way too much money on trying to make myself more physically appealing, hooked up with guys, partied A LOT, and just tried to fill the void and distract myself in any way possible. The only positive thing I learned from those things was the bettering of my physical appearance. Look good, feel good is a real thing! Anyway, the rest of it were distractions sure, but they definitely were not self serving. I am not saying that those actions are bad at all. I love to go out and be flirty it is fun! However, I relied on it to fill the void and to be my self-fulfillment. Maybe there are people out there that can be completely self-fulfilled by this, that person was not me. These things filled my emptiness temporarily, as in that night. The next morning I still felt the heartache. As of now I have been heartbroken twice. The second time was a very different experience. The first time I definitely never allowed myself to just breathe and heal. So, having gone through this once before I knew that I needed to fight the urge to crumble and seek fulfillment through things that instill temporary happiness. I HAD to just breathe. I had to seek happiness internally, through family, friends, and all of the other things in my life that genuinely serve me.

So, let's get to the healing. I read a book not too long ago where the author put a lot of emphasis on the idea that it is important to be content enough with yourself so that when you find love it only puts an emphasis on your happiness but it does not create it. To seek someone when you are not in need of saving and you are happy on your own was essentially the message. That is exactly what I have been doing. I cannot remember the last time I have gone this long being totally single without any man in my life even slightly. It honestly feels pretty badass. However, yes, I chose to take a more positive route of healing the second time but I still did have bad days. (I have my fair share of demons in my head). On the days I sat and tore myself apart a weird but helpful strategy was to literally just look at myself in the mirror. Oh yeah, I am a person. I forgot. I have two dark hazel eyes, a button like nose, a scar directly down the center of my forehead, short brown hair, and a beating heart in my chest. Seeing my reflection communicated to me that I am a human. I need to treat myself like one. (I will reflect more on this in the self love section). The way I talk to myself during my heartache would never be the way I talk to my best friend or my mother. So why do I think it is ok to do this to myself? It is so easy to self implode in times like this but look in the mirror and see your worth and remember that you are a human being that requires you to be gentle and compassionate through these times. You are valuable and you absolutely will be OK without them. You do not need them but you need yourself. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Doing things like going back and replaying things in your head, wondering what went wrong, beating yourself up, trying to understand and analyze every little aspect of your broken relationship is yes, entirely normal but it is of absolutely no service to your peace. Of course, you are going to do this but if I can try to prevent you from overthinking as much as I do then I have succeeded. Do not sit there and try to understand why things are the way they are because I promise you that you will not figure it out right now. In the future things might become crystal clear but when you're in the midst of it all your vision is going to be the biggest blur. My dad ironically looked at me just today and said, "Jordan when you drive 90% of your awareness is directly forward and very rarely it is required of you to look back, I want you to remember this in life." This metaphor opened my eyes to the damage it causes us to live in the past. What would happen if you turned your attention entirely on your back window the whole time you drove? You would crash. Let's avoid the crash and remember what the future holds and the strength that I KNOW you have.

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who was talking to me about her break up and she said, "The breakup would have been so much better if he was honest!" I immediately told her that I firmly believe that regardless of how it ended, what was said and etc. there is absolutely nothing that could have been said or done differently that would have softened the blow when you have genuine love for someone that cannot persevere. All heartbreak is going to hurt so just try to accept the situation for what it is. With that being said, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TRY TO SEEK THEM FOR COMFORT! (this is hard but be strong). I know so many people who seek out their ex for some type of comfort. I get how hard it is to not reach out to them when you are heavy in your emotions because you are so used to confiding in them. However, I promise you that continuously seeking them out will not really do anything for you. How could it be healing to seek what hurt you for comfort? I cannot stress enough that the only contentment that you will find will be within yourself. Talking to them and being friendly is awesome but literally trying to get some sort of answer or extended closure from them is not really going to make the pain any easier. All the closure in the world will not take away the fact that you guys are no longer together in which is the root of the pain. So, just trust me on this one. I promise you that if they are supposed to be in your life you will always make your way back to one another. Let it happen naturally. When you give yourself plenty of healing time and you still have these overwhelming feelings for that person after all that time then maybe you are meant to be, who knows. Or, you give yourself a little bit of time to breathe and withdraw from them for awhile and you might realize that you need something different. In my eyes, the only way you will get your answer is if you take a few steps back and be without them for awhile.

There are essentially a million reasons why people break up. If you know that your heart was in that relationship, you were committed and you did the best you could the best thing to do is just try to relax. If you are the person who made a mistake and it hurt the other person and you know that what you did caused them pain, express a true apology and just learn from your mistakes. If you were the person who knows you cared for them and showed them respect but you knew it was time to call it quits, then you probably did the right thing and you should relax and move forward too. (Your gut is usually right). There are SO many scenarios but in hindsight this is probably happening for a reason. Like I said before, if the person is supposed to be in your life I promise you that regardless of the circumstance, they will always make their way back. For me, turning to God is where I find the most peace. If God is not your thing well trust that the universe will always bring you what is meant to be. I know I can remember my favorite bible verse, "Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5. When I find myself really self imploding I replay this verse in my head a thousand times. The strategy of picking a word or a phrase that brings you peace and repeating it until you begin to relax is comforting. This bible verse was essentially the answer to all of my worries, doubts and questions throughout my heartbreak. I could take this verse and realize that I knew I was not going to find any sort of understanding but I knew that I could trust in God. Ultimately, that was all I needed.

Last but not least, do not hold resentment and anger in your heart. Being upset will not serve you in the long run. (don't go slashing anyones tires). I have really learned something about myself through my heartbreak that I am proud of so I always try to implement it onto others. Some peoples immediate reaction after a break up is to be spiteful and try to fire back. Let me just ask you how in the world is that serving you? How would hurting someone solely because they hurt you ever be self-serving? It is absolutely not! The best thing to do is no longer waste your energy on the people who are no longer a service to your life and to look at YOURSELF and the amazing people in your life and bring yourself up and bring everyone else up with you. Remembering the negative and instilling bad wishes upon someone does not heal your soul. You must learn to let it go, forgive, and wish the best for them and try to remember the positive. Being forgiving and letting it go will truly allow you to heal. I once heard someone say, "The best way to win a break up is to not even compete." This is true. This is the best time to be mature and keep on keeping on.

If I can make you one promise it's that the love you find is never going to be perfect. But their is a love out there that will be perfect for you. They will admire, care and love you so much that it is going to exceed the limits that you thought possible. I am not a believer in fairy tale love but I am a firm believer in the power of true love. (obviously). No, I am not ensuring you with a fantasy but I am ensuring you with true love. You could find this love today, tomorrow, next week, in ten years who knows! I am going to give you a cliche but I truly believe that this type of love exists. My dad always says, "I can tell when people are in love by the look in their eyes." I totally know what he means. You are going to find someone one day who looks at you as if your presence is the essence of beauty. Their face will be soft, their smile is faint and juvenile, their eyes almost look as if they are brighter than usual and something so innocent as this eye contact is going to send shock waves through the tips of your toes up every vertebrae of your spine. That is when you will know that this pain is worth it. Heartbreak makes us stronger and it's all a part of life and if anything, I have learned so much about myself in this process and I am not the same person I once was before all of this. I can look back to when I was seventeen when I got into my first serious relationship. My views on relationships and love were so flawed it is almost funny to me now. However, through setting a tone for my relationship with those flawed increments of what I thought a relationship was is essentially what made me open up my eyes, realize that I had it all wrong and evolve in that relationship as well as right now on the outside. Without my past I would not have grown into the woman I am today who can understand what I need, want and deserve through the clearest lense. I am no longer that seventeen year old girl who didn't know a thing about love or relationships, I am now a nineteen year old woman who is still learning but can now grasp the word "love" and understand what a relationship truly entails. It is all about learning and I am beyond gracious for my past relationships because I would not be who I am today without them. They taught me a lot. I recently watched a documentary and the woman who starred in it said, "I am not the same person I was before grief. Grief requires you to fall apart and then put the pieces of your life back together. " This resonated with me and made me realize how much we do evolve after grief. The bottom line is to learn to let go and become the best version of yourself. It is so easy to feel so worthless when your heart is shattered all over the ground but trust me that this is the time for you to love who you are entirely, make yourself happy and thrive in your independency. All that other relationship crap will come when it’s supposed to. Just let yourself breathe. This vulnerability has been entirely terrifying but I know this can help someone out there. Heartbreak is rough but where would we be without it?