Weekly:Interviews

I’m a little later than I like to be but I’ve been working on this and it took me awhile to set up the interviews. Anyways, I hope you like it :)

I woke up early this past Saturday morning and spent a couple hours at a retirement home. Random, I know, but keep reading. I contacted a local retirement home to see if any of the residents would be willing to answer some questions in order give me some knowledge for my blog. I think older people’s wisdom and advice can teach us a lot, but I believe more than anything that life teaches us the most. So, I figured the best way to gain perspective would be to talk to people who have lived long lives. Thankfully, a few wonderful women volunteered. I was going to take what they said word for word and post it, but I have a better idea. When I left the retirement home I noticed a few common themes. They got married young, never got divorced and put a lot of emphasis on words like honesty, trust, and commitment.

After my interviews with these amazing women my crazy overly analytical brain tugged me in a few directions. I asked myself, “Was there more emphasis on honoring commitment back then?” and “Did people value love over lust?” After thinking about what I learned early on Saturday morning, my answers to both of those questions would be yes. It was fascinating to me that all three of the ladies I talked to fell in love with one man very young and got married very young. I asked them, “Were you ever in love with anyone else?” and they all pretty much told me that who they married was their one and only love. In my millennial brain, I am sure you could imagine how shocked I was. One of the ladies said, “Once I heard the words, till death do us part, I never let myself forget it. We worked through the mountains and the valleys.” It’s admirable really, that once they fell in love with someone, both sides understood the value within those feelings. They never undermined this idea of love, once they understood the feelings of love, they immediately took on an appreciation for commitment. This idea was very refreshing to me.

No, I am not saying we should all get married when we are teenagers and marry the first person we fall in love with.(hell no) In my opinion, their more simplistic versions of love made me feel peaceful. Even if it was just for a couple hours. It was comforting to know that at one time, our society was not afraid of commitment or love. In fact, it seemed to be encouraged. This idea of commitment makes people run for the hills and the idea of lust feeds our hunger for a while, only because it seems more exciting doesn’t it? Someone to fool around with and coat you with compliments only when it’s convenient for you. The idea that you could receive lust from multiple people instead of just one so that our egos can be absolutely smothered. Lust is a dangerous pit that I think everyone falls into sometimes, but are we capable of getting out anymore? It’s ok to lust, I am not saying it is always wrong but it is wrong when we accept into our lives more than we accept love. What happened to the excitement and fulfillment from ONE soul who sees you for who you are. Someone who knows you, accepts you, and understands you. That’s far too scary now, isn’t it? Why would we want anyone to see our scars and flaws. We want to show a bright and shiny face to an abundance of people who will never know us, but will help us to fill the void in which only will satisfy the cravings of our bodies but nothing else. After all, love leads us to being hurt doesn’t it? What happened to us? What is everyone so hurt these days?

I don’t know what happened to us. I really don’t. If anyone is reading this and you feel like you have once led yourself to conform to this “hook up” culture and led yourself astray from what you really want, then that is why I’m here. I do admit I have done it, we all have. It’s not a bad thing! I want to tell you that in the short amount of time I spent with these ladies I learned that I was so surprised while listening to their life story because I adored it. My subconscious was screaming that these women’s experience is something that is far too old fashioned for anyone to be able to give today. Then I remembered what it feels like to conform to something or someone just because it feels as if no one will accept you for who you really are or the expectations that you have. I realized that what I really want is someone to consider my feelings the same way that I do theirs. To always be mindful of one another. I don’t want to settle for less. I have really been working on trying to always consider others feelings instead of only my own. If I am going to commit to someone and or have them be involved in my life, I recognize that it is my job to honor that. Which is what these women seemed to do throughout their love lives.

Over the last year I have realized how much hook ups and flings make me feel, well, not like myself. Many people love all of that but for me it makes me feel even more unwanted than being alone does. I guess the way it feels for someone to only want you for one night or one hour just makes me feel used. So, as frustrating as it can be sometimes to have no one I would rather have no one than try to get attention from someone who is undeserving. Everyone is different, my way is not the right way. I am just sharing with you my recent realization that our hook up culture is something I do not have to accept and neither do you if you do not want to. You do not have to sleep with someone to get them to want to be with you, you don’t have to change your ways because you feel like no one will accept them, you do not have to change at all. I am not a saint, I have been hurt, I have definitely hooked up with people, I party and I absolutely conform to our culture. However, now that I realize that, I just can’t let myself believe that I need to stray away from who I really am or what I really want because of the ways in which society has let me down as well as I am sure society has let you all down.

For the people who don’t allow yourself to love and the word lust reigns supreme and the word commitment is equivalent to hieroglyphics, I just want to tell you I get it. I get that it can be fun and I get what it’s like be hurt and to not want to let anyone in. There is nothing wrong with lusting or fearing commitment for a while, we all have felt this way before. The phase in our lives of hooking up and partying truly is a lot of fun. I am in and out of this phase quite a bit actually. Like I was saying before, I have just really learned over this last year how much we all lack considering other people’s feelings while in this stage. We are selfish beings really. All I want to say is if you are aware that commitment is something you are not ready for and you are only looking for a hook up it is important for the people you involve yourself with to be aware of that. Don’t get yourself involved with someone just for the ego boost, you might be making yourself feel good but you might be hurting someone else in the meantime. I have definitely been guilty of this, we all have. Now that I realize the effects that it has on people I’ve been trying to steer clear of it. It sucks really, when we don’t want to commit and we just want the attention. It’s unfair to do that to someone but we still do it because that’s just “normal.”

Anyways, obviously I don’t want to get married right now though. However, I do believe that there is love out there that will last forever and will engulf the idea of honesty, trust, and commitment regardless of this hook up society we live in. Even though these women were much older than me, they gave me hope. Whether the love in the world today is a little bit different than back then, it still can withhold those same “old fashioned” values that many of us desire and should not even be considered old fashioned at all. Often times I feel like I ask for too much or expect too much. This is why I have chosen to alter myself in slight ways every time I meet someone that interests me. I realize it is not too much to ask for someone to make it through the tough times, respect you, value you, be open, loyal and committed. It’s not “old fashioned” to think like that. Subconsciously, maybe society has taught me that this type of love I have been putting in my head really doesn’t exist so I started to conform. Now that I have brought that to light, screw that. The women I met with had these marriages that they never let slip through the fingers even though they knew they were young and dumb when they initially got married. Although, times have changed, I do not want to ever conform or think that my slightly “old-fashioned” beliefs are nowhere to be found. This one is for all my people out there that think that what they are looking for does not exist. This is for the people who have been with someone who put lust over love. This is for the people who want to never conform again to our “hook up” culture and set sail for something real and fulfilling. In a world full of damaged people, including me, take it from Betty and Janet (the third woman did not want to be named). To the three women that I met with thank you for talking with me and telling me your story. The stories they shared with me have given me and hopefully many others hope that even though they found love during a simpler time, it does not mean that it no longer exists.