Be Kind to Yourself

"I AM two of the most powerful words. For what you put after them shapes your reality." 

-Bevan Lee

       The words "be kind to yourself" flow through my mind throughout my days very often. These words are so simple yet so powerful. Just a couple months ago I decided to look my mental challenges straight in the damn face and try counseling. I am not kidding when I say I have LITERALLY been looking at my mental challenges straight in the damn face and getting to the root of every aspect of my "problems." A couple days ago I figured out my true diagnoses which was equivalent to shoving my hand inside of a mystery prize bag and picking out an array of different "prizes." Let's just say that I got a little bit of all the fun stuff but honestly who cares? I sure as hell don't. I couldn't have really cared less about my diagnoses because quite frankly I know that my brain is a little bit out of the ordinary but hell I am starting to accept that this is who I AM. Who is stable anyways? Yeah I face some internal battles but through talking out everything that goes on inside of my head I have been able to self reflect and see that my mental challenges are not just "demons in my head" but they are what has pushed me past my limits. With that, I am going to let you in on those "demons" and the ways in which I crumble, cope and overcome. Ultimately, I want to open up about my mental health because we are currently living in a society where it feels as if the mental illness rate is at an all time high and also there is this extreme social pressure that is constantly all around us. So, no this segment is not just going to talk about mental illness this is about ALL internal battles in which I know everyone faces. It is so cliche to sit here as a teenage girl and say "Omg love yourself!" Yes, you should love yourself but this is just the baby steps toward getting there. We can do it together. So, I hope that this is different from the rest and it can console you in a deeper way. I do have this internal battle where I struggle to speak and treat myself in ways that are kind. I want to instill an understanding on the difference between nice and kind. To me, the word "nice" is not as genuine as the word "kind." Being nice is more simplistic such as telling someone you think their shoes are cute. Being kind is much more powerful. For example, telling someone what they NEED to hear even if it is not always easy, is kindness. Being nice is great but kindness is deeper and very genuine. So, no I am not sitting here telling you to always talk to yourself in some delusional way, that is not what I mean by kindness. It is important to be real with yourself but it is also important to acknowledge and monitor your self talk because that is kindness. I will tell you that this idea of  "being kind to yourself" is something I am working on and have not perfected. This is coming from a girl who is still learning and doing my best. 

    First things first. Let's talk about when "the demons in my head" are truly demons. I will give you a small glimpse of my struggle through letting you in on a very dark part of my life. I went through a three to four month period when I let my demons run my brain entirely. My mental games lead me to overthink which lead to obsession and fixation about some brutally dark thoughts. For whatever reason, this obsession lasted for almost four months. Which might not seem long to some but it truly was draining. This has happened to me a few times in my life but this time in specific was very intense. I had thoughts in my brain that were making me physically ill and I could see the pain in my eyes from the second I woke up in the morning until I took one last look in the mirror before I went to bed at night. Does anyone else know what I mean when I say I could literally see the pain beaming out of my eyes? They were glazed over with a darker tone than usual and just looked heavy. Sometimes, I think our eyes are a reflection of our heart. Anyways, I still went about my daily life and looked fine on the outside but my insides were rotten. It was almost as if someone else was fueling these twisted, graphic images into my brain and I personally had no control. I remember being at my brothers wedding and consistently pretending like I had to go to the bathroom because I felt like the tears were about to flood because my demons were pounding at my door so hard and unfortunately I let them unlatch the hinges. I would walk away from any situation just because it felt as if I had to be alone in order to fully focus on these thoughts because that is what my brain was telling me to do. "Don't stop thinking about it Jordan, you don't deserve to." I fully convinced myself that I was a monster. It was so consuming and I thought that I was going to be stuck in this pit of darkness forever. Sometimes, the ways in which my brain functions does not align with my heart, who I really am. My heart genuinely was aching everyday basically screaming at me, "Jordan stop doing this, you know this is not who you are!" My brain however, was deceiving me every waking moment. I remember one night I fell to my knees in tears yelling at God saying, "Take this away from me, I can't do it anymore, God why won't you help me?! Can't you see my pain?!" This was a night that I will never forget because it was seven aimless hours of me laying in my bed with the biggest pit in my gut, the most sickening thoughts swirling in my head and the weight of an elephant on my chest. I could not live like this. It was almost as if I was single handedly breaking my own heart every single day. 

   Yikes that was a little bit hard to remember but vulnerability is what I am here for I suppose. Well, clearly I was in some serious pain. I do face daily struggles with my internal battles but I figured that that story would resonate the deepest. Regardless of your religious views just take a leap of faith with me and read this next part. Turns out that I completely conquered the hell in which I was living. I got in my car one night and said, "God this worry and pain it is yours." Saying those words out loud was essentially my road to healing. We are extreme problem solvers as humans but we actually are not built to walk through life trying to figure everything out for ourselves. I believe that God is walking every step of the way with you and you will find more peace within trusting his plans instead of your own. The bible is famous for phrases like "trust me" and "give it to me." I ultimately had to instill all my faith into those phrases and remember that I did not have to live like that because God is on my side and he will help me. It is easier said than done, believe me it was a process but continuously reminding myself that I took the initiative to give my battle to God I had to remind myself throughout to put all my faith into him. He is a hell of a lot stronger than me and I knew that I could no longer fight the battle on my own. Well, turns out that I am 100% past that darkness. I believed that God had taken my pain away and he did, every time those thoughts try to creep back in I shove them up against a wall and throw them as far away as possible. God is so so good people and I truly do not know if I could have ever gotten through that time in my life if I did not trust in him. God knows your heart and he will always be the one to mend it in times that your brain and your heart are at battle. Like I have said before, if God is not your thing then trust that the world itself will always lead you to overcome and conquer. 

    All of that was essentially the darkest parts of my battles. However, my daily struggles are not as intense as that. My daily battles are well kind of annoying but also what make me who I am. There is no way in hell I would be finishing this whole entire blog, doing great in school, have a great work ethic and monitoring the ways in which I treat others if it wasn't for my "issues." My mental challenges are almost like my motivators. Yes, they can cripple me but for the most part I can genuinely reflect back and just say, "This is who I am and I think that I am a great person therefore, I am thankful." Instead of viewing this as some horrible darkness that hovers over me everyday I am starting to realize that there is beauty in my uniqueness. Through trying counseling and growing up I have been able to see myself through a new lense. I am not a crazy person or someone who is "mentally ill" I am just Jordan. Jordan is a girl who faces different battles than others but she is unique in her own essence. I cannot believe that I never realized that there was a light inside of this darkness. Treating my struggles with a kinder heart has shown me the first step on how to treat myself in kinder ways. That is what I am trying to express to everyone who faces times in which it is hard for us to find the beauty in our flaws. We have to be compassionate with ourselves and understand that the ways in which we speak and treat ourselves can be detrimental. Starting to see the positive in what you always deem to be negative is important. A really great piece of advice I have once received is from my dad when he told me, "Jordan change the story you are putting in your head." If the things you say to yourself and the ways in which you view yourself are not self serving then CHANGE THE STORY. (change the negativity into something positive). Often, I find myself sitting alone and I just have to say out loud, "Jordan you are kind, smart, beautiful and important to so many people." 

    The final point I would like to make is the fact that you truly cannot commit yourself to someone until you love yourself. I am currently in the midst of trying to gain more confidence in myself because I HAVE to know my worth and find the confidence within myself in order to really seek what I deserve. In my heartbreak segment I say how I can now see through a clear lense, how much I truly deserve. However, I can understand what I deserve but now it is just a matter of if I can accept it and seek it out. Stay tuned I suppose. It is so important to know your value before you date someone because without knowing that, you will not know how much you are worthy of. To come to a close, let's think of the phrase, "treat others how you would like to be treated." I am going to change that. How about treat YOURSELF how YOU want to be treated. Ultimately, all you have is YOU! Do things that serve you and fill your mind with thoughts that will help your soul flourish and know your worth as a human being. Me and you. We can do it together!