Unchained

"When I let go of who I am, I become what I might be."

- Lao Tzu

Before you read this, I really need to express that what I discuss in this post stemmed from my own insecurities. No one else to blame here. The person who I reference in this was kind to me and never gave me much of a reason to feel the ways I did. It was purely my own insecurities. I just wanted to get that off my chest. Also, this is some serious vulnerability and I have been putting this off for awhile because I am truly a bit nervous. Anyways, I hope you like this one! :)

Do you know that feeling of not feeling free but, not being able to put your finger on what is captivating your metaphorical imprisonment? I didn’t know what was in my way then but, I know it now. Inside of a relationship it is so easy to subconsciously be so invested in someone that you start to forget about yourself. Yes, this was a problem for me. However, what about when the relationship is terminated? Anyone else know how it feels to still feel this sense of investment even when you’re no longer with someone? I was not even aware of how much I still allowed someone to have a grasp on me even when they were no longer in my sight or in my life. I found myself so often putting energy and worry into what another person might think of me based on what I said or did even though they had no part in my life at all. I still allowed this person to feed me my value, to feed me validation and to feed my fear of their judgement. It wasn’t the fear that he would tell me or other people what he thought of me, the funny part is we do not speak nor see each other, but I still feared that somewhere along the grey area he would be judging me silently, and that is what captivated me. I didn’t care who he told or if he remained silent, I just did not want him to think lesser of me in entirety. So, I held myself back from saying or doing certain things. Once I FINALLY began to realize this pattern, I knew I needed to defeat it. Leading me to recently be set free, at last. So, that is what I am going to talk about today, being captivated inside and outside of a relationship and how I finally broke free.

There are a few things I fear in this world. When it comes to dating I have this crippling fear of speaking up for myself, calling people out and voicing my expectations out of fear of feeling like a burden. When I really care for someone I just want to give them all I possibly can and not trouble them. I do this because I am afraid that they will not like me if I do otherwise. This is a very juvenile way of thinking. Believe me, I am trying to terminate this mindset but for whatever reason it is taking a lot more work than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I would say that I am a fairly laid back and reasonable woman. I do not have wildly outlandish expectations that I hold back. However, I have learned that being laid back and “chill” does not mean that in order to withhold that identity, that I have to pretend like nothing bothers me. I am a human after all. I have to diminish my mindset that if I get upset, have expectations and desire mature communication then that means that I am going to be unwanted. Well, in my last relationship that is what I did. I tried my absolute hardest to ignore things that bugged me, not be “burdening” and continue to be as care-free as I possibly could. I just wanted this person to see me through a light full of perfection, leading me to really never consider if I even thought that highly of my own self, I just wanted this other person to. In order for me to sustain this way of thinking, I basically had to stop considering my own genuine feelings. It was essentially the battle of disregarding your own feelings in order to protect someone else’s. I only cared about the feelings the other person had toward me. I was still myself yes, but I also very much so altered myself in some ways in order to insure that this other person would love me, see my value, and not bolt whenever they had the chance. I so badly wanted this person to see my beauty, that I felt as if I constantly had to prove myself, that I was “perfect” and worth it. I can’t believe I let myself feel as if I had to prove my value in order for someone to remain viewing me as worthy. Thank God I can now understand after that experience that I no longer want that to be my definition of love. I do not want to prove to someone I am worth loving, I want them to see it indefinitely. Subconsciously, I think I was doing whatever I could for them, instead of realizing that sometimes I also had to act in ways that were true to myself. But, that fear of being a burden stood right in the center of my way. Clearly, this tactic did not really do anything for me because, I am no longer in this relationship.

Now, let’s talk about how even on the outside of relationships we can still be shackled down and consumed by the being of another person. For a while, I truly was not even aware that I was acting in ways that were still fully considerate of this other person. I would monitor things I would say and do around other people out of fear that the slightest thing whether it was good or bad, would get back to him. I would monitor things I put online out of fear of the potential judgement. Truly, I did not even recognize how much I was still living parts of my life through someone else. Once I realized this pattern I had to make a choice. My choice was whether I wanted to live for me and live in the present or if I wanted to remain cemented in the roots of my past. I chose to live for me, figure out who I am and walk down my own path. Finally, I just said fuck it and I chose myself, for the first time in a very long time.

Time was the key to this process but, it is also what you do during that time. For the longest time I constantly let myself react and respond to every little reminder of this person’s existence. Until one day, I literally asked myself, “Jordan, why do you even care?” I genuinely was not even aware of the fact that I did not have to let him get the best of me every single time he was slightly apparent. Simply, I just told myself that I did not have to react, I could teach myself to see things, and acknowledge my feelings but, I did not have to give into the entirety of those feelings every single damn time. It was exhausting. However, over time this got easier and easier. Time and changing my mindset toward my responses to the memories that tied along to this person, was essentially what has led me to this point of feeling unchained. For over two years, the girl writing this today could not grasp the aspect of living for herself because it really never even crossed my mind how loaded that concept is. I was not even conscious of the way my thought process was consistently altered by the existence of someone else.

If you asked me if I loved myself or if I was living for myself six months ago, I do not even think that girl would have been able to grasp the depths of those questions. I would have deemed them to be cliché because truthfully, I probably did not have an answer. If you asked me now, I would say Jordan is a girl who I actually love because I have learned that just because someone does not see your value does not mean that you have none, pain is to be used for growth not suffering, compassion is the most important virtue and time will heal all wounds. My path of finding who I am and living for me started when I started to learn that the cycle that I thought would never end had to be broken. It taught me not just about myself but, also about others and this life as a whole. The reality of my shackles came to fruition when I wrote this blog actually. Obviously, I was writing with the intent to share it one day. When it all started to actually come together and reality set in that I actually had to publish it, I was afraid. I was afraid of the unknown, illogical judgements that were most likely not even going to be formed. It was just that small chance that this person would think lesser of me if I went through with publishing every piece of me out into the world. What I didn’t know is that every single tear I shed while reflecting on who I was and the hurt that I have felt is what has allowed me to grow and heal. For that, I no longer look at the pain I have felt in my life as the root for my suffering but, I now look at it with gratitude for my healing and my growth. Jordan is free now, living in her own way, secure with who she is, and can actually feel beautiful in her very own essence. The day I published this blog was the day that Jordan finally started to live for her and said fuck the rest. I will admit to you that when I wrote this blog I was heartbroken and every piece of my writing on here was my outlet. However, if it weren't for that I would not have pushed myself to my limits and done the bravest thing that I can do, speak my truth. Well, I did it and my life has not been the same since. The rest is history baby. Truly, for anyone who is reading this now or anyone who has read any other parts of my blog, my gratitude is endless. So, today I encourage anyone who took the time to read my story, to dig deep and discover if there is someone or something that is holding you back from your God given essence. It took way too long for me to realize it, so if I could speed up this realization for absolutely anyone, then my work here is done because people, I cannot express to you how good it feels to be set free when I thought this sense of freedom was intangible. I truly can’t wait to see what the future holds.