Heartbreak

“Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

I have rewrote this segment a few times at this point. This is a rough one. If you have made it this far into the blog well this is the good stuff. I want this to be the strongest writing I can possibly provide. I will say that I am going to give you the best advice that I possibly can but I will admit that like most, I have a hard time taking my own advice. Just thought I would clarify that because we all sometimes have a hard time with the whole "practice what you preach" thing. However, once again, I am not perfect. Heartbreak is a hard one to talk about because everyone breaks up for different reasons and the severity in which caused the termination of the relationship is always different. All of the ways in which we love are also unique so I REALLY cannot speak for everyone in this segment. What I do know is that heartbreak always inflicts pain. What I have decided to do is be a bit more personal in this segment and hope that it resonates with anyone out there who has ever felt this way or is currently in the midst of being heartbroken. I just do not know how else to sound credible without showing my vulnerability and validating that I have definitely gone through it. In the future I really encourage you out of all my segments, to please send me questions, tell me your story or ask for advice about the type of heartbreak you are specifically feeling. (I really love to help people with this). For now, I will just share mine with you.

I have thought about this one a lot because there are so many things I need to hear from people while going through this. In case you missed the first page of this section I will say it again. I am not going to give much insight inside of my past relationships out of respect for them and my own privacy. Also, know that I am not writing this to sound dramatic or seek some type of attention. This is genuinely my own self-disclosure that I am hoping can positively affect someone. I would never want to shine a negative light on the people who have made any type of positive impact on my life. Anyways, let's get into the good stuff. I will start off with some vulnerability. My heart is healing as I write this. How is that for credibility? It is almost as if I cannot rip my heart away because I literally will not allow myself to. Maybe I am crazy but I feel bad letting myself let go. I spent all of this time and energy into this person so how could I just let go? Perhaps I like to always have my heart invested in something regardless of the circumstance. Weird, but this seems to be the case. With that, I have definitely had my fair share of good days vs. bad days but I am choosing to write this segment on my worse days so I can really communicate in the realist way possible. So, let's talk about the first time my heart was broken. It was a weird almost foreign feeling. I wish someone would of warned me about this feeling because I was SO blindsided. Why do I wake up everyday with a pain in my chest? Why do I feel so lifeless? I often found myself driving around with no destination and the music blaring so loud that I knew my speakers could blow at any moment. But I didn't care. I didn't care that the cars around me were staring at me like a crazy person because I would be sitting at a stop light with tears falling down my face as I was yelling at a person who was nowhere to be found. I didn't care about anything in these moments because all I could think about was the ache throughout my whole entire being. I just didn't care. When your heart is broken it is easy to feel like you are literally losing your mind. You thought that during your relationship they consumed you, but for me, i was even more consumed during my heartbreak. It almost feels like a part of you got ripped away and you are trying to understand how you are supposed to continue your life without this piece of yourself. This it yet, another reason I so strongly feel that love is our strongest channel of communicating is because there is literally no prescription or procedure that is going to fix your broken heart. As my dad always tells me, "It sucks but you really do just have to take the pain and embrace it, it's ok to grieve." Maybe my crazy aimless driving is like my prescription drug. Anyways, the first time my heart was broken I truly did not know what to do. So, I turned to the basic things people do when trying to get through it. I spent way too much money on trying to make myself more physically appealing, hooked up with guys, partied A LOT, and just tried to fill the void in anyway possible. This was a distraction sure, but it definitely was not self serving. I am not saying that these things are bad at all. I love to go out and be flirty it is fun! However, I relied on it to fill the void and to be my self-fulfillment. Maybe there are people out there that can be completely self-fulfilled by this but that person was not me. These things filled the void temporarily, as in that night. The next morning I still felt the heartache. A few months later I did end up dating this person again. (do not regret this at all). Unfortunately, we broke up again. (yes, I have only seriously dated one person btw). So, lets get to the healing part. This time around I will admit I have already bought my membership for spray tans. (damnit Jordan). Which is fine I think it is healthy to physically better yourself, there is nothing wrong with feeling good. "Look good, feel good." Am I right? However, having gone through this once before I now know that I need to fight the urge to crumble and seek fulfillment through things that instill temporary happiness. I have to seek fulfillment internally, through family, friends and all of the other things in my life that bring me GENUINE happiness. I read a book not too long ago where the author put a lot of emphasis on the idea that it is important to be content enough with yourself so that when you find love it only puts an emphasis on your happiness but it does not create it. To seek someone when you are not in need of saving and you are happy on your own was essentially the message. That is exactly what I am trying to do. (I might hit a few bumps in the road lol but I am trying). Yes, I have chosen to take a more positive route of healing this time but I still do have bad days. (I have my fair share of demons in my head). On the days I sit and tear myself apart a weird but helpful strategy is to literally just look at myself in the mirror. Oh yeah, I am a person. I forgot. I have two dark hazel eyes, a button like nose, a scar directly in the center of my forehead, short brown hair, and a beating heart in my chest. Seeing my reflection communicates to me that I am a human. I need to treat myself like one. (I will reflect more on this in the self love section). The way I talk to myself during my heartache would never be the way I talk to my best friend or my mother. So why do I think it is ok to do this to myself? Through these times I often break my own heart due to my own self destruction. I try to remember this quote, "Stop breaking your own heart for someone who isn't fighting to keep yours in one piece." You owe it to yourself to not let someone have enough power over you to lead you blind to the things you know are valuable about your character, your heart and your being. It is so easy to self implode in times like this but look in the mirror and see your worth and remember that you are a human being. You are valuable and you absolutely will be OK without them. You do not need them but you need yourself. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Doing things like going back and replaying things in your head, wondering what went wrong, beating yourself up, trying to understand and analyze every little aspect of your broken relationship is yes, entirely normal but it is of absolutely no service to your peace. Of course, you are going to do this but if I can try to prevent you from overthinking as much as I do than I have succeeded. Do not sit there and try to understand why things are the way they are because I promise you that you will not figure it out right now. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who is always says, "the breakup would have been so much better if he just was honest!" I can truthfully tell you that regardless of how it ended, what was said and etc. there is absolutely not one type of break up that does not feel like your heart just got ripped out of your chest. With that, just know that things are the way they are for a reason and there is probably no way you would be more at peace during a heartbreak regardless of how everything played out. With that being said, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TRY TO SEEK THEM FOR COMFORT! (this is hard but be strong). In the future, you probably will be able to see clearly but right now you are not going to get it. Especially, if you know that your heart was in that relationship, you were committed and you did the best you could the best thing to do is just try to relax. If you are the person who made a mistake and it hurt the other person and you know that what you did caused them pain, express a true apology and just learn from your mistakes. If you were the person who knows you cared for them and showed them respect but you knew it was time to call it quits, then you probably did the right thing and you should relax and move forward too. (Your gut is usually right). There are a million different scenarios but in hindsight this is probably happening for a reason. If the person is supposed to be in your life I promise you that regardless of the circumstance, they will always make their way back. For me, turning to God is where I find the most peace. If God is not your thing well trust that the universe will always bring you what is meant to be. I know I can remember my favorite bible verse, "Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5. When I find myself really self imploding I replay this verse in my head a thousand times. The strategy of picking a word or a phrase that brings you peace and repeating it until you begin to relax is comforting. Finally, do not hold resentment and anger in your heart. Being upset will not serve you in the long run. (don't go slashing anyones tires). You must learn to let it go, forgive, and wish the best for them and try to remember them for the positive things. Remembering the negative and instilling bad wishes upon someone does not heal your soul. Being forgiving and letting it go will truly allow you to heal. (I know this can be hard because like i said, I have a very hard time letting go). I once heard someone say, "The best way to win a break up is to not even compete." This is true. It is not about trying to see who can hurt the other the most or to be immature. This is the best time to be mature and wish them the best and keep on keeping on. If I can make you one promise it's that the love you find is never going to be perfect. But their is a love out there that will be perfect for you. They will admire, care and love you so much that it is going to exceed the limits that you thought possible. I am a firm believer not necessarily in soul mates, but a firm believer in the power of true love. (obviously). No, I am not ensuring you with a fairytale but I am ensuring you with true love. You could find this love today, tomorrow, next week, in ten years who knows! I am going to give you a cliche but I truly believe that this type of love exists. My dad always says, "I can tell when people are in love by the look in their eyes." I totally know what he means. You are going to find someone one day who looks you as if they are looking at the most beautiful sunset hitting the sand on the coast of an island. Their face is soft, their smile is faint and juvenile, their eyes almost look as if they are brighter than usual and something so innocent as this eye contact is going to send shock waves through the tips of your toes up every vertebrae of your spine. That is when you will know that this pain is worth it. Heartbreak makes us stronger and it's all apart of life and if anything, I have learned so much about myself in this process and I am not the same person I once was before all of this. I recently watched a documentary and the woman who starred in it said, " I am not the same person I was before grief. Grief requires you to fall apart and then put the pieces of your life back together. " With that, I want my readers to know the true gratitude I have for my past relationships. Nothing but growth, lessons, and experiences of love have come out of it. Truly a blessing. Thank everyone who has been apart of your life and learn to let go. (including me) This has been extremely hard for me to write. I feel that someone out there is in need of someone to tell them this and share their story. As hard as this vulnerability was for me, if this is helping even one person well than it was worth it. This one is for you.